In Flight

Not much to say here. Never was very good at speeches. Always clammed up, forgot what I was going to say. Anything important, any time I had to use words that really mattered, I would plan out exactly how the conversation was going to go, wait up for hours at night anticipating every turn, dodging the semantic missteps, until I had it perfect. Then the moment would come and I would fuck up. Forget all my lines. The other person would be taking to me, trying to get me to respond, and I would just stare at them, looking like a fucktard who`d lost his sanity stick. Every single time. Once, when I was breaking up with Jessica, that girl you called a succubus, I ran out of the room when she asked me what was wrong. I tried to get the words out, I really did, but "I think we should break up" just would not climb out of my throat. I turned, ran out her house, turned the phone off, hid from my viewscreen for three days until the messages stopped. That`s the sort of person I am, the man I always will be. You never have problems like that. Everybody loves you. They say we are similar, nobody has ever been able to tell us apart, but we are nothing alike. I came over to apologise. There are many things I have done, many times in my life I have needed a big brother, even one who is just three minutes older, and you have always been there for me. Whatever it was, whatever I needed, you would drop everything and come help me. Remember that time in Manchester, when I had been down doing some work for the Clarke brothers and everybody got arrested? I was hiding in that barn for three days, with just a pair of trousers, a phone and whatever food I could steal from the farmhouse once it was dark. The pigs knew my face, if they had found me they would have had me on serious shit, I may still be in Gallowgate waiting for the end of the world. But you came down, driving some geriatric car that was held together by spit and rust. Hell, the thing was made in the 21st century! You came down in that, smuggled me back across the border on your friend`s passport. You even wrapped my face in bandages so the pigs wouldn`t recognise me, said I was having surgery! You always do think of everything. That`s why it`s such a shame that you have to rot here with the rest, and I get to be saved. Talk about a death sentence. Whatever they say on those viewscreens, there is no way they can save the planet. If they could save Earth, they wouldn`t be sending two million of us to Mars. Everybody left here, everyone who stays on Earth, is dead. There will be no return trips, just in case. They will stop working on a solution, because all the smart bastards will be on the ships for Mars. This is it, bro. The end of all life. In a fair world, you would be on that ship, and I would be left to rot. Not that Mars will be much better. I don`t know, maybe the damned are getting the better deal, the quick and probably painless death as opposed to the future as hillbilly Martian rednecks. I mean, what the fuck do I know about farming? Give me a plough and some earth and all I have is a bit of wood and a dirty hand. I can`t imagine I`m the only one either. The planet isn`t even ready yet, nothing like this was meant to happen for five years. So we stay in the ships until the terraforming can handle two million useless farmers, going batshit crazy and probably killing one another, slowly and in imaginative ways. Maybe we don`t deserve to be saved. Listen to me, going on about all this. I thought this would be hell, but its as easy as anything. It must be you. You always did make things easier, and bring out the best of me. I hate to think I disappointed you, but I know I must have. I know mum and dad would have been upset at me, probably a good thing they died when they did. Then again, dad would have had a solution for this. He always knew how to fix everything, or at least he thought he did. But it got pretty bad when I was younger, when they would hear about some exam or some stupid petty stuff I got hauled in for, and they would sit me down, try and get me to explain myself. They would have that really worried look on their face. They knew I was going wrong, I wasn`t their shining golden boy (that would be you), and they hoped against all logic that talking to me, and making me explain myself would set me on the right road. It should have worked, I`ll give them that, I used to dread having to sit and talk to them like that more than the teachers or the cops, I would clam up or invent some stupid convoluted story until they would shout at me, and I would cry, I always fucking cried, and it would be over, and we would all pretend that nothing like this would ever happen again. You never knew any of this, did you? Hard to have secrets in such a small house but I`m pretty sure you never fund out about that. Anyway, that was all over minor shit, I have no idea how they would have handled some of the other things. You are the only family I have left, and pretty soon I won`t even have you. I will be all alone, cast out into space as the last of the Woods, told to start a new life, given a last chance I know I don`t deserve. It will be strange without you, I have no idea what sort of man this will make me. All my life I have been defined by you, as your younger brother. You cast a long shadow, and that won`t be there any more. I mean, none of these people are going to know me as Gary Wood`s fuckup twin, they will just know me as a fellow Pioneer. That`s what the Presidents are calling us anyway. Maybe this will be the making of me, though I can`t see it. I can be charming, I can make a girl laugh and I can make a pretty good pasta salad, but other than that I can`t do shit. I am average at everything I want to be good at, and terrible at things I just want to be able to do. I am going to have to become good overnight at all sorts of things I haven`t even thought about, just to survive. I could be letting myself in for torture, starvation and death, which is a much worse way to die than being hit by the asteroid. But then, maybe it is about surviving the moment. All that may happen in the future, but even if I knew that was my certain fate I would not curl up into a ball and wait for a rock. I survive this moment, to move on to the next. And the next. And the next. Even if things are unbearable for my future self, this is the only thing I could have done. They say the draw was purely at random, that everybody on Earth (after all the leaders, scientists and important people had their seats, of course) had an equal chance of being on the ships. To their credit, I suppose, the whole thing was optional. With only a 0.022% chance of getting on the sailboats, whole families were never going to make it, and many people figured they would rather die with their family than live with strangers. But the rest of us queued for our tickets, I was in the queue for days next to some tramp who kept trying to fuck my leg until I broke his nose and gave him £10. He went away after that and tried it on somebody else. It was never going to be a random draw. They were never going to have some oily permatanned gameshow host pull balls from a drum live on air - genocide as family entertainment. The three Presidents got together and decided all the people they wanted to bring, all the people who would be useful from all over the world, then made up some bullshit about people being chosen by their SECURID numbers. Doctors. Scientists. Labourers. Farmers. Breeders. Useful people. I never stood a chance. A two bit loser with a patchy criminal record and no registered work since 2114? Please. My name would have been deleted before the list was even complete. Surprised they even gave me a ticket. You, on the other hand, you are useful. Working for Pennington, researching those alternative fuel things you keep boring me by talking about? They need people like you. Am kinda surprised your name came up, didn`t know you had friends in such high places. Maybe you had to get on your knees to get it? Not that its such a hardship for you... personally, I thought they would only take men interested in keeping the human race going. Can`t see you settling down and taking a wife. So they needed you, and cast me into the gutter to die. Always knew the Presidents didn`t care about us, here was the ultimate proof. They keep saying they will work to stop the collision, that sending the ships is just a failsafe, but that`s bollocks. Take care of the nice ones, and watch the rest burn. There probably isn`t even an asteroid. They are leaving to start a new Earth, without the scum. I really did come over here to say goodbye. I didn`t plan to kill you. I mean, what sort of person would that make me? I was even going to drive you to the airport, watch you and the other saved Scots leave for Florida. But then you had that fucking smug grin on your face. Why did you have to be wearing that smile? The one you get when you know, you just know, that everything is going your way, and that you deserve it. The one you got when I lied for you, to stop mum and dad finding out about Steven. I came to say goodbye and you were grinning. Everything had turned out well for you again, while your fucktard brother would bother you no more. Well fuck you. I didn`t even know I was carrying a knife, I was on top of you before my mind caught up with me, you were crying and your blood was going everywhere. Oddly enough I don`t feel bad. It`s not murder it is survival. Man`s oldest instinct is to stay alive, whatever he has to do. And that`s what I have done. I have stayed alive, no matter the cost. I have killed my brother. Well, almost. I can see you are still breathing but it won`t last long. I have borrowed some of your clothes, you won`t be needing them anymore. Luckily you were all packed, saving me the bother. I`ll put your body in the basement, chances are nobody will ever find you. Sorry about stealing your car, but it is so much better than mine, besides you promised me everything on the phone, all that you were leaving behind. I`m just taking what was offered. The airport and the launch site will be easy. I look identical to you, I have all your papers, they are expecting Gary Wood and they will get Gary Wood. Amazing to think how easily a plan comes together. Thirty minutes ago I was cursed to die with the scum, now for the first time my life has purpose. Long may it continue. This is it, my brother, the true goodbye. It has been a pleasure to know you. You have always been there for me, always given what you could to help me out. And now you have outdone yourself, you have given me life. I will never forget you.