How To Make People Listen - A Lesson On Influence

Can you relate to any of the following scenarios?

You lecture your children but they won t listen

You try to influence your friend to take that job but he won t listen

You try to motivate your team but they won t listen

You try to reason with your partner but he/she just won`t listen

I certainly can!

On the surface the problem seems to be that you re just not being listened to by the people you would like to influence. The real problem however is this:

you are trying to influence people by lecturing or talking at them rather than listening to and understanding them.

If this isn t making any sense try this visualisation exercise:

IMAGINE you are 16 and have just returned home from school. Your parents have just found out you re averaging an E grade in your studies. As soon as you walk into the kitchen the battle lines are drawn. Your parents start lecturing you, talking at you, telling you to spend more time doing your homework. You re emotional even before this confrontation begins and feel awful being lectured to. You shout "you just don t understand, you ll never understand!'lt;/p>Now imagine the same scenario but with this paradigm shift:

IMAGINE you have returned home and your parents are in the kitchen waiting to discuss your poor report card. Your mum says "we have seen your report card and want to find out how you feel``. At first you are suspicious but as you see the genuine concern in your parents you begin to open up. You tell them how you re struggling at school because you don t see the value in an education. You want to leave and become a fisherman. Your parents keep listening with feeling. You feel so understood by your parents that you ask for your parents advice and decide to follow it. "I ll give school another go!'lt;/p>Wow! What a different outcome. Can you see the paradigm shift here?

Rather than lecturing to influence the parents listened to influence.

Really think the last sentence through here. Have you ever influenced someone by lecturing or shouting at them? Maybe in the short-run but in the long-run the relationship isn t sustained as there s just too much ill-feeling and you lose influence.

So why should we listen and not demand to be listened to? I suspect you now know the answer. You can only influence someone properly by showing them that you deeply understand them and deeply care about their well-being. This can take time but it sure is worth the investment. By listening to someone on this level they will trust you enough to want to act on your suggestions. Let`s just hope your suggestions are well-intentioned!

When you`re next in a situation where you want to help, influence or advise someone, don`t jump the gun! Listen, build trust and wait to be asked what you think.......no matter how long it takes.